All posts filed under: childloss

Babyloss – you will survive

In the first few days and early weeks after my son died, I wished to feel normal again. I longed, not just for the pain to ease, but just to feel like myself again. It felt like I lived in a bubble, everyone around me was living their normal lives but I was in a very lonely, isolated bubble of vulnerability and pain. I have never felt pain like it – physical pain, mental pain that affected how much I could do, how much I could cope with, how much I could enjoy, how much I could focus on. I felt like I could break at any moment – each day was about forcing myself to get out of bed, to do something rather than just wallow; to do something rather than just desperately want my baby back. There was an aching in my arms for the baby I  couldn’t hold and a physical pain in my heart as it ached for what I had lost. In those early weeks I wasn’t sure how much …

babyloss – arranging a funeral

There is no preparation for this. Arranging any funeral is difficult but arranging a funeral for your child is unspeakably difficult and I think most of us do it in a blind numbness that keeps us sane. The thought of a funeral was crippling for me – I went through the motions but I resented having to do it. Jamie had died during surgery and the hospital offered to arrange his funeral, which I am grateful for. A lovely woman at the RVI – whose name and title I just don’t know – talked to us about what we wanted. We explained that as we are not religious, we wanted a cremation and simple service, with as little religious input as possible. She found us a funeral director who would respect our wishes and who was wonderful – they organised the date, time and the crematorium  as well as his coffin and we went away to plan music and let people know. We spent an evening deciding on music – I cried a lot and …

babyloss – the early minutes and hours

Our baby son died at 10.30pm – we asked the team to stop. Jamie had been bleeding and struggling for hours, he was not going to live. Minutes before we had sat in a small room with his surgeon, who had Jamie’s blood on his clothes and his shoes, and his nurse and we had told them we needed to let Jamie go rather then get him onto life support so we could say our goodbyes. My heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest and the desperation and panic I felt consumed me. But we sat and waited to be told that he was gone. We were not expecting any miracles, we knew he was going to die. His nurse cried when she came to tell us, his anaesthetist struggled to hold back his tears as he came to reassure us that Jamie had not felt a thing, that he was not aware. And his surgeon said words he was probably not meant to say, he said he was sorry the surgery …

surviving the death of your child

I have written lots of posts about Jamie, my boy who died when he was three days old. I have written about my pregnancy and his short life but I have never really written about living with babyloss – carrying on, coping strategies, mental health, triggers, just getting on without my third child. It is never something we just get over but living with it is something so many parents have to do after miscarriage, after stillbirth, after neonatal death, after cot death, after an accident or an illness. These posts may be helpful, even comforting, to other bereaved parents and I would like to share your stories of your life after the death of your child. I am now 11 years into life without my third child – it hasn’t always been easy, it isn’t always easy, he is constantly missed and his death changed me and our family, in ways I can’t adequately describe.   Jamie’s story… At my 20 week we discovered that something wasn’t quite right with his stomach – a …