All posts filed under: Babyloss

Pregnancy After Loss

Pregnancy after any kind of babyloss – miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death – can be a time of anxiety and worry which can range from mild to extreme. This can ease as your pregnancy progresses or you may remain anxious until your baby is safely in your arms. You might feel cautious about telling people or about preparing for birth and bringing your baby home. It is also possible to feel frustrated with other people around you who don’t quite understand why you may be feeling anxious or cautious. I work with parents to help them prepare for birth again and for meeting their baby. You may be preparing to do labour & birth again, you may be induced and you might be planning a caesarean – it can help to talk through all of these options so you feel better prepared and less anxious about birth. To prepare for birth again, you may want to attend a small group antenatal course, or 1:1 birth preparation may work better so you can take your time and …

It is CHD Awareness Month – here’s my story…

February is Congenital Heart Defect month – Here is the story of  my son Jamie… My 20-week scan during my third pregnancy did not go to plan – a potential defect with my baby’s oesophagus was highlighted and I was referred to the Fetal Medicine Unit at the RVI for a more detailed scan. They too thought there was an issue with my baby’s oesophagus but they also thought there was a problem with his heart – both would need monitoring and so my rollercoaster journey of hospital appointments and huge emotion began. Every couple of weeks I was scanned, my baby’s heart was thoroughly checked but there was no agreement on what the defect was. After one scan, it was even thought that there was no heart defect. But the next scan confirmed that something wasn’t right. The majority agreement among the brilliant team of consultants was that my baby had hypoplastic left heart syndrome – the left side of his heart was not developing properly. This is a life threatening defect. I was …

Babyloss & grief – you don’t always have to keep it together…

I feel like an old hand at babyloss grief now – 11 and a half years in and I know how to function well with my grief, I know how it can surprise me when I least expect it,  I know that I will miss my boy for the rest of my life, I know I am grateful for being on the other side of the intensity of grief and I know how to look after myself. It has taken a long time to reach this point. We all do grief differently and there is now more conversation about baby-loss on social media, which is a good thing – anything that attempts to ease the isolation of baby-loss, to create more awareness, support and conversation for grieving families has to be a good thing. However, a few life-after-baby-loss posts this year have made me think because everything on social media can be subjective and interpreted differently. These are well-intentioned, honest, supportive posts but they are a snap-shot and they often don’t convey the emotion, the …

What to say when a baby dies

Every grieving parent is different so there isn’t an accurate guide on what to do or say when a baby dies. One of the biggest comments can be “I don’t know what to say” – in my experience, be honest and say that, better than saying nothing at all.   Some of the things that helped me when my baby died are: let me talk about my baby. If I am talking about my baby, please let me and please do also talk about my baby. Don’t ignore their existence because that hurts. let me cry – I need to fucking cry, it helps to get rid of some of the hurt. And sometimes I will have no choice, I will have no control over it. Please don’t tell me to shush. please don’t make me try to feel better – you can’t, my baby is dead, there is no feeling better, there is no snapping out of this.  please don’t have any expectations of how I grieve and heal and how long it takes …